Been feeling pretty jaded for a couple months now. I think this is also partly related to my recent post about not having any real accomplishments in my life. At first, I thought the problem was that I just needed something, some big accomplishment, I could do that would make me proud of my life. But then yesterday I thought about things that I have accomplished (passed RHCE exam, JLPT N2 exam, raising a daughter together with my wife) and I realized I had done some positive things in my life. I don’t have much to complain about.
So then I realized the problem isn’t much about goals and such, but more about just feeling jaded, bored, maybe a little depressed. Kind of like that Aerosmith song (same name), where the girl has lots of things around her to entertain her, but she’s still bored. Two-thirds of the way through, she writes on the mirror that she wants to feel.
A lot of things I used to write about on the blog are things I was very passionate about, but lately I don’t feel that same sense of determination or excitement I did before, and I think the blog suffers as a result. So, I tried to revise the subjects a bit, but it seems like it only worked for a while.
But it’s not just the blog. I don’t really have a lot of excitement toward any particular activities these days. I do a lot of things in my spare time but mostly just because I don’t want to fall behind. A sense of obligation is not a good motivator. Otherwise I spend my time just playing classic Halo on Linux (using WINE), or sleeping.
I thought maybe I was just tired so I got more sleep recently and that hasn’t helped. I think I just don’t have any real motivation lately. I figure that if I find something that really motivates me, I’ll regain my focus and excitement again, but at the moment it’s just not there.
I miss having that sense of passion toward something and the long-term drive to finish it. I have plenty of “projects” and unfinished things, but no motivation to finish them anymore.
So yeah, feeling pretty jaded right now. Not depressed or anything like that. I still lots of fun moments with my wife and daughter or with friends. Just feeling “blah”, unfocused and unmotivated.