After some drama a couple months ago when I left my old Buddhist temple, and gave up my aspirations for ordination, I was really eager to strike it out on my own and continue doing a lot of Buddhist education, and exploring my own Buddhist path.
Not surprisingly this started to lose steam within a few weeks. I have been making more Buddhist videos on the Youtube channel since then, and I enjoy that, but at the same time, I am finding it difficult to find new topics and inspiration. I haven’t made much progress on a book I wanted to write (which my loving wife has also been encouraging me to do) either, and I have been having trouble finding new inspiration and new things to talk about here.
It’s not really related to parenting or work, just a lack of motivation.
Looking back, I think this is a sign I have burned out. The drama this past year really stressed me out and I find I just can’t pick up a Buddhist book these days, unless I force myself to. Most nights, when I would normally be updating the blog, I spend on the PS3 or just tweaking my Magic: The Gathering decks.¹
So, I just haven’t really found anything Buddhist yet to fill the void I left behind with the old temple and path. There are a fair number of temples in the Greater Seattle area, but as you might expect, I haven’t had the motivation to start all over again and get involved in another community and deal with any politics therein.
Then again, maybe I just don’t want to. I mean, I have my wonderful wife and kids, and am surrounded by good friends these days, so do I really need anything beyond that?
One thing that does bother me a little bit, though, is that my Buddhist practice has totally fallen off.
I wasn’t very persistent about with Buddhist practice to begin with, but even that little bit has totally dropped away. I simply can’t bring chants like the nembutsu or the odaimoku to my lips when I try to recite something, because both are so doctrinally loaded. I don’t want to meditate either due to the hidden pressure to find a qualified instructor which in turn would mean I need to get involved in a community again (see above).
So, I guess I don’t really know what to chant, recite, study these days. Like I said before, I think when the inspiration comes again, this will probably resolve itself too. Until then, I still just generally try to live a good, Buddhist life of tolerance, goodwill and wholesome conduct.
Also, my Magic decks will get some much needed attention. ;-p
¹ I have been playing with friends at work for the past year or so. Been enjoying the new Kaladesh set quite a bit.